Well Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s that time of year again. A time for undercooked pork sandwiches from the local boy scout troop, a time for those little pictures with the glass cover and the white cardboard frame (maybe Poison, ‘Talk Dirty To Me’ album cover), a time for ‘Lost Boys’ and a three day hiccup in the infamous driving route turned daily routine, “the strip.” Yes Ladies and Gents, I’m talking about thee, “Pawnee Prairie Days”, an almost ancient tribal tradition frozen in time to be reincarnated once a year to give the ‘townies’ a chance to finally forget all their worries for a while and finally become better than someone for a slight moment in time. Who is this person we all have a chance to be better than? This person is one of the most ruthless creatures to walk the streets of Anytown USA, the most cunning of cunning men, a race of people so slippery and shady that they must flee from town to town in the middle of the night every three days to remain unknown. Of course I can only be speaking of one thing, the ‘CARNY’.
Now the Carny is just one of the many great experiences in the treat, that is ‘Pawnee Prairie Days’ Today I am going to be giving advice on one aspect of dealing with a Carney in person. You all know that Saturday night, the tradition must continue, so I am going to give you the best advice I can on carrying on this great tradition. Now the tradition consists of being really drunk and finding at least one person that thinks it’s a good idea to go mess with the Carneys. The one method of doing this that I’m going to teach you today is commonly referred to as the “Brian Bentley Method” , in this method the most crucial part of execution is finding a person drunk enough to go along with the plan yet, sober enough that they won’t fly off the handle and actually start fighting. You see, when using this method you don’t really want to fight anyone but, you wanna look very tuff and give of the impression like you can actually fight. So, to start out once, you’ve got your partner you go over in between the Ferris-Wheel with the spinning seats that I threw-up on while riding with Jeff Clemence one year, on my brand ne Fila’s to, I was wicked pissed… you go over their and there should be 3 Carneys within a close proximity of each other. To start the incident you first light up a cigarette and stare at the Carneys while carrying on a fake conversation, you are wanting them to make eye contact with you so you can point at them and start laughing. This will then ensue with an almost immediate, “what the fuck’s your problem pal?” this is exactly what you want, this gives you precedence to take two steps toward them and respond with something like, “Hey, at least I can afford sleeves Jim-Bob you piece of fucking white trash redneck Carney fuck”. This should result in his Carney buddies coming to his aid; in this situation you gotta be very careful. You see, the Carney is a wild creature, untamable and stronger in packs, deadly when cornered so, you don’t want to make any sudden movements and threaten the herd, or they will charge. Now since we are using the “Brian Bentley Method”, which means we obviously don’t want to fight any one so, unbeknownst to anyone, before you picked your partner for this disgusting display, you went around to all your friends and surveyed, which ones would “have you back” in the off chance that “things go down.” It being ‘Pawnee Prairie Days’ and most, if not all, of your friends are drunk, the results from the survey are astonishingly weighed in your favor. So with a quick look over your shoulder you make eye contact with your “boys” as to signal to them that, “hey, it’s so on right now get of here, it’s back getting time.” So as the troops arrive to have your back, the carneys begin to assemble. Like cockroaches scattering in the light of a seedy hotel room chandelier, they come from all angles across the square, from under the ‘Tilt-O-Whirl,’ down from the booth that holds the ‘quarter game’, from behind the kiosks of the ‘balloon dart’ game, their hands covered in grease form wrenching on the ‘spinning apples ride’ and dipping corn dogs and elephant ears in 9 year old grease for the past 7 hours , their backs tired and minds numbed from the years of pedophilic behavior that made them leave their old lives behind and become hermits to society. From whence they came, they shall be banished back into the shadows of society, they have alreadt lost the fight and don’t even know it, by a simple shouting match with drunken locals, who are somehow better than them because they have jobs hanging drywall and mowing lawns?????? But hey, that’s hit works, “So SCREW YOU CARNEYS”. Anyways, their done and they have lost the stand off. Somehow, someway the cops just happened to catch win of the gathering mob, hmmm…… how could they have found out??????????????????? So their it is folks, that’s the way the patented “Brian Bentley Method” works and gets you to win this fight, by more using more of your maverick style of debauchery. You see, right before you did your quick ‘back having’ survey, you surveyed the perfect area to start this social war. You found the perfect place, just within the line of sights of where the cops were standing, (in front of the flower shop), knowing good and well that they would instantly break things up and no one would get in trouble, you can blame it on the canry, everyone knows they start stuff. So in the end you become the hero without even throwing a punch, you become the savior of Pawnee for standing up for her glory, everyone picks you up and hoists you onto their shoulders and carries you to the bar all while shouting the ‘Pawnee High Fight Song.’ The “Brian Bentley Method” folks, it works. From all of us here at “The Zogger” have a safe and happy PPD.
July 20, 2008
A Carnie Knows
Posted by thezogger under Commentary | Tags: pawnee prairie days |Leave a Comment
Well Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s that time of year again. A time for undercooked pork sandwiches from the local boy scout troop, a time for those little pictures with the glass cover and the white cardboard frame (maybe Poison, ‘Talk Dirty To Me’ album cover), a time for ‘Lost Boys’ and a three day hiccup in the infamous driving route turned daily routine, “the strip.” Yes Ladies and Gents, I’m talking about thee, “Pawnee Prairie Days”, an almost ancient tribal tradition frozen in time to be reincarnated once a year to give the ‘townies’ a chance to finally forget all their worries for a while and finally become better than someone for a slight moment in time. Who is this person we all have a chance to be better than? This person is one of the most ruthless creatures to walk the streets of Anytown USA, the most cunning of cunning men, a race of people so slippery and shady that they must flee from town to town in the middle of the night every three days to remain unknown. Of course I can only be speaking of one thing, the ‘CARNY’.
Now the Carny is just one of the many great experiences in the treat, that is ‘Pawnee Prairie Days’ Today I am going to be giving advice on one aspect of dealing with a Carney in person. You all know that Saturday night, the tradition must continue, so I am going to give you the best advice I can on carrying on this great tradition. Now the tradition consists of being really drunk and finding at least one person that thinks it’s a good idea to go mess with the Carneys. The one method of doing this that I’m going to teach you today is commonly referred to as the “Brian Bentley Method” , in this method the most crucial part of execution is finding a person drunk enough to go along with the plan yet, sober enough that they won’t fly off the handle and actually start fighting. You see, when using this method you don’t really want to fight anyone but, you wanna look very tuff and give of the impression like you can actually fight. So, to start out once, you’ve got your partner you go over in between the Ferris-Wheel with the spinning seats that I threw-up on while riding with Jeff Clemence one year, on my brand ne Fila’s to, I was wicked pissed… you go over their and there should be 3 Carneys within a close proximity of each other. To start the incident you first light up a cigarette and stare at the Carneys while carrying on a fake conversation, you are wanting them to make eye contact with you so you can point at them and start laughing. This will then ensue with an almost immediate, “what the fuck’s your problem pal?” this is exactly what you want, this gives you precedence to take two steps toward them and respond with something like, “Hey, at least I can afford sleeves Jim-Bob you piece of fucking white trash redneck Carney fuck”. This should result in his Carney buddies coming to his aid; in this situation you gotta be very careful. You see, the Carney is a wild creature, untamable and stronger in packs, deadly when cornered so, you don’t want to make any sudden movements and threaten the herd, or they will charge. Now since we are using the “Brian Bentley Method”, which means we obviously don’t want to fight any one so, unbeknownst to anyone, before you picked your partner for this disgusting display, you went around to all your friends and surveyed, which ones would “have you back” in the off chance that “things go down.” It being ‘Pawnee Prairie Days’ and most, if not all, of your friends are drunk, the results from the survey are astonishingly weighed in your favor. So with a quick look over your shoulder you make eye contact with your “boys” as to signal to them that, “hey, it’s so on right now get of here, it’s back getting time.” So as the troops arrive to have your back, the carneys begin to assemble. Like cockroaches scattering in the light of a seedy hotel room chandelier, they come from all angles across the square, from under the ‘Tilt-O-Whirl,’ down from the booth that holds the ‘quarter game’, from behind the kiosks of the ‘balloon dart’ game, their hands covered in grease form wrenching on the ‘spinning apples ride’ and dipping corn dogs and elephant ears in 9 year old grease for the past 7 hours , their backs tired and minds numbed from the years of pedophilic behavior that made them leave their old lives behind and become hermits to society. From whence they came, they shall be banished back into the shadows of society, they have alreadt lost the fight and don’t even know it, by a simple shouting match with drunken locals, who are somehow better than them because they have jobs hanging drywall and mowing lawns?????? But hey, that’s hit works, “So SCREW YOU CARNEYS”. Anyways, their done and they have lost the stand off. Somehow, someway the cops just happened to catch win of the gathering mob, hmmm…… how could they have found out??????????????????? So their it is folks, that’s the way the patented “Brian Bentley Method” works and gets you to win this fight, by more using more of your maverick style of debauchery. You see, right before you did your quick ‘back having’ survey, you surveyed the perfect area to start this social war. You found the perfect place, just within the line of sights of where the cops were standing, (in front of the flower shop), knowing good and well that they would instantly break things up and no one would get in trouble, you can blame it on the canry, everyone knows they start stuff. So in the end you become the hero without even throwing a punch, you become the savior of Pawnee for standing up for her glory, everyone picks you up and hoists you onto their shoulders and carries you to the bar all while shouting the ‘Pawnee High Fight Song.’ The “Brian Bentley Method” folks, it works. From all of us here at “The Zogger” have a safe and happy PPD.